This is Brandon. MarySusan said I could write the post tonight. I figured I'd better take the opportunity while I could, considering how often she's been changing her mind about things here lately.....:)
"You Are I AM" by MercyMe. That's the song that was playing on the radio as I got in my car and drove to today's ultrasound. I've heard the song many times, but today I really listened to the lyrics and what it was talking about...
I've been the one to shake with fear
And wonder if You're even here
I've been the one to doubt Your love
I've told myself You're not enough
That sounded familiar. I've definitely been there. These last few years have taken their toll. I was the one that trumpeted the fact that God did work a miracle with the first pregnancy in saving MarySusan and keeping her body intact so that we would be able to have kids in the future. I KNEW God was going to let us have our own kids. It was so obvious to me. So we were a little scared, but we knew it was going to be ok...
I've been the one to try and say
I'll overcome by my own strength
I've been the one to fall apart
And start to question who You are
But the years went by.....and the disappointment seemed to become an endless cycle. We would see the doctor, our hopes would be sky-high for two weeks, we'd take a test and have our dreams shattered (again), then we'd just have to wait a few weeks to go see the doctor again....and start over. I started questioning who WAS God?? Was He really concerned with what we were going through?? Had He forgotten what he was supposed to do?? Sure I looked ok on the outside.....but I had these doubts all the time...
I've been the one held down in chains
Beneath the weight of all my shame
I've been the one to believe
That where I am You cannot reach
By this point, I'm thinking it has to be something I'm doing wrong. I'm not having enough faith...I'm not praying the right way....I'm not asking for the right things....I'm just too far gone. I knew my heart, and while I was the one each and every month that told MarySusan it was going to be ok and we'd get it next month. I didn't believe it myself. I was discouraged and believed that I was just misunderstanding God three years ago when I "KNEW" He was going to give us children. I was too far gone and He wasn't going to bless us now. It was too late....
You're the one who conquers giants
You're the one who calls out kings
You shut the mouths of lions
You tell the dead to breathe
You're the one who walks through fire
You take the orphan's hand
You are the one Messiah
You are I AM
Today I listened to this song and I knew: God IS. That's it. That's what the name "I AM" means. God just IS. Period. End of story. No matter what happens, what we're going through, or what may be coming down the road. God IS. I know it's easier for me to write this now that we're expecting, but that doesn't change God. He still IS. And if we lost this baby tomorrow, as hard as that would be, and as many times as I might fail, God. IS. and that's just awesome.
So today we are praising God for a GREAT report from the doctor, and we got the first "real" picture of our baby....you can just make him out below. Yeah, I said "him." I'm calling it. ;)
