Tears and Celebration

The tears start almost the second I open my eyes.  Why am I surprised by this?  After all, shouldn't I be crying since today is the day that represents what should have been? A day filled with joy at the arrival of our little girl.  But instead life tends to be a bit of a fight now. I mean a real battle of my emotions, which this week I felt like I had been conquering for the most part.  I get tired of crying, and knowing that this day was approaching, I had been fighting for some sense of joy and normalcy all week.

However, this morning I didn't want to even get out of bed.  But I got up anyway. Because I knew I had to.  Whether she can really see me or not, I want my little girl to be proud of her Mommy. So I get up. For her.  I choose to keep going,  not because I really have a strong desire to seize the days or face the world, but I have to choose to take steps forward.  And today that meant starting by getting up. More than grief, I want to celebrate and honor Dani's little life. And I want others to as well.

I look at my Bible app and Psalm 23 appears from where I had been reading last night.  "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me..."  Even though I may not be the one facing death, I am certainly affected by it now.  And God's Word reminds me that He is with me.  Then my sweet husband texts me reminding me that he loves me and we are in this together.  What would I do without him?  Next, the doorbell rings. Beautiful flowers are waiting.  From a sweet friend who remembers Dani's life often and isn't afraid to talk about her.  This isn't the first time in this journey that God has used others to encourage me to keep going.

So even though the tears flow continuously like rain (and I know that's okay), I try to think of what I can do for my baby. I have found that it helps me to find things to do FOR her.  I pull out her baby book and work on finishing it...something I haven't had the courage to do up to this point.  And later we will get fresh flowers and visit her grave.  (I am thankful in a strange way for this spot to go.  I know that's not where Danielle really is, but with my first baby I didn't have this.)

God has been gracious this week to give me glimpses of perspective. Reminders of how broken and sinful this awful world is. These last four months, I have understood, felt, and been more grateful than ever that Jesus conquered death. Though I selfishly want Danielle with me every day, if it came right down to it, how could I wish her away from the perfect peace she is enjoying in heaven to come live down here? So instead, I will look forward to the day when I can go join her.

I sit here writing with Danielle's little dress and hospital blanket by me, but also surrounded by other things given to us by special people. Things that were given to show us that they remember and love our Dani too. The sweetest thing that lifts this Mommy's heart is when people talk about my daughter by name. So, yes, please continue to pray for us as walk this road. We still desperately need it.  But also thank God with us today for this wonderful blessing named Danielle Grace. God has used her little life so much already, and we pray He will continue to.

Dani Grace, you may have a different (and much better) address now, but you are remembered and loved so much!   Especially by Mommy and Daddy. Can't wait to see you again, our little Monkey. :)

Dear Mommy...

Hi Mommy,

We just wanted to wish you a very Happy Mother's Day! We wish we could have been there to celebrate with you today, but we are going to have to wait a little bit longer before we get to see you again. We heard that you had a pretty good day and are so glad you were able to be recognized as a "real" mother.....because you are, and always will be, OUR mother.

You have had the heart of a mother for as long as you can remember, always longing for the day when you could hold us. We would have been the luckiest kids on earth to have been able to grow up in your loving arms. We would have loved to be able to wake you up early on a Saturday morning running through the house chasing each other. I would have totally blamed it on my older sibling....because it definitely would have been their fault. We wish we could learn to make pancakes and eggs from you...even if it might not have been pretty. :) We would have loved for you to come to our soccer games and cheerleading competitions....you would have been so proud of us. We miss that we will not be able to talk to you and ask advice through our teenage years.....and then run into your loving arms after we do the opposite of what you tell us to. We wish we could have shared the experience of our first loves....and first broken hearts with you. We know you would have let us cry on your shoulder and reassured us that our world was not ending. We will miss getting to see the look on your face as we bring home the "special someones" to meet you and daddy.....and then watching as you tell dad to put away his gun. :) We wish we would be able to share that special day as we commit our lives to someone forever. We know you would have been so happy and proud of us......because we would have picked partners just like you and daddy.

There are a lifetime of memories that we will miss out on, but that's ok....it's only a lifetime. When you get up here, we will have FOREVER  to make memories.....but right now, God has something else for you to do. He has some other plan for you. Somewhere, someday, there are some kids out there that He needs you to be a mom to. And that's ok....we're willing to share....because we know that those kids are going to be the luckiest kids ever to walk the face of the earth.

You are one AMAZING person and we are so lucky to be able to call you....MOM.

We love you and are counting the days until we see you again....

Love,

Dani Grace and Baby # 1

Danielle Grace - The Journey Continues...

Yes, I know.....it has been a LONG time since we have posted anything. We got sidetracked by a lot of excitement.....and a lot of disappointment. A LOT has happened since our last post, so this one may be a little lengthy...

Hebrews 11:1 says, "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."

Things "hoped for" things "not seen".....This is the essence of faith. If we could see and understand everything, there wouldn't be a need for faith. We can't stop blogging about our "Journey of Faith" just because the journey didn't take us where we thought we were going. This is a JOURNEY, not a destination.

One month ago today, MarySusan was rushed to the hospital for abdominal pain. To make a longer story not as long, she had serious internal bleeding and had lost a lot of blood already. They rushed her into surgery and while she was on the table, her uterus ruptured and out came our little Danielle Grace. MarySusan started hemorrhaging even more blood, but thankfully they were prepared and ready to save her life. The doctor told me later that if she had not already been on the surgical table and cut open when that happened, she would have bled to death in seconds and they would not have been able to save her. If we had been 20 minutes later getting her into surgery, she wouldn't be here today. I thank God for His perfect timing that we were where we needed to be when that happened.

As most of you know, we lost Danielle that day. Well, we didn't "lose" her....she was God's to give to us, and God's to take away. She just got to go home a lot sooner than expected. She got to skip all the pain and heartache of this world, and go straight to be with God. She is safe and filled with peace. I think the 3-year old boy of our best friends said it best... When they told him the news, he breathed a huge sigh of relief and said, "I'm happy because Uhfwoppy (what he called her) is with Jesus now and she is happy!" (He later went on to explain that it was because she got too cramped inside MarySusan, so she had more room with Jesus). God is good. In the days to follow we got to hold our little girl over and over again. That was the most AMAZING feeling I have ever experienced and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

So what happened? Didn't I tell the world that Danielle was God's miracle from what happened 3 years ago? Wasn't she supposed to be the testimony of God's grace? Wasn't she supposed to be the evidence of God's working in our lives? I posted all about God being the "I AM" and being a God of miracles. Did He mess up??? So.....here's my answer..........you ready.........just scroll down.........

She is.

She is a little miracle.....a miracle we got to hold and kiss and feel. A miracle who has impacted our lives and hearts forever. She is a testimony of God's grace.....God granted us the most amazing 22 weeks and 2 days with this little wonder. She is still evidence of God working in our lives......every single day God is using her to impact not only us, but so many people all over the world. She has had more impact on more people in her few short weeks, than most of us have in our entire lives. God is still I AM. None of that has changed. God is still God. Even if we can't make sense of it all. Now......before you go all "Wow Brandon, you have such faith..." I don't. This concept is a daily...even HOURLY struggle for me. Because I don't get it....I really don't. I don't have a clue what in the world God is thinking....

But I've been reminded of something that a close friend of ours drilled in our head several years ago. Sometimes when life doesn't make sense and you don't understand what God is doing, you just have to KNOW what you KNOW. I don't FEEL like God is faithful, but I KNOW He is. I don't FEEL like God is loving me right now, but I KNOW He does. I don't FEEL like God has remembered what we're going through, but I KNOW He does. I don't FEEL like God has a plan for us, but I KNOW He does. Faith isn't based on FEELings....sometimes you just have to KNOW what you KNOW....

 

Why are you in despair, O my soul?

Why are you disturbed within me?

Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him.

Psalm 43:5

 



 

So we don't know what's to come and where we might be going, but we hope you will continue to follow us as we move forward on our Journey of Faith...

 

 

 



Bows or Trains?

      17 weeks now and praising God for His protection over our Little One! I am feeling better now except for some pain that is probably related to ligaments/scar tissue, though the doctors aren't sure.  Please keep praying that scar tissue would not hinder Baby's growth. :) 

 

     Last Monday we got see Baby moving around and punching at the Ultrasound Tech every time she moved the wand and tried to get a good picture...definitely Daddy's baby!  Hearing the heartbeat is one of the greatest feelings in the world.  It makes my heart soar.  We knew it was a possibility we would find out the gender, but the legs have been crossed the last two ultrasounds so we were prepared to still be kept in the dark.  That was okay with me though, because I kind of liked not knowing. Brandon, on the other hand, was dying with curiosity.  He thought it was a boy...BUT...

 

    Our little girl already likes to do things her own way. And I love that. Almost everyone (family, friends, etc.) guessed that it was a boy. My mom said thought that it looked to her like I was carrying a girl.  She was right.  So my dad got his wish...another me. :)  We are so excited for Baby Girl. (Her name won't be revealed until birth!)  Praise the Lord for what HE has done!  We appreciate your continued prayer as the Lord brings us to mind.

Our Gifts

 

The last few weeks have been full of nausea, fatigue, and basically counting hours until my naptime, but I am thankful for it!  Today we got to see our little monkey again.  Every time I hear the heart beat, my heart soars and I breathe a huge sigh of relief.  The Lord is teaching me how to counter my fears with Scripture and faith. And boy, can fear take over if you allow it to. I'm glad for my Daddy, who points me in the right direction and reminds me how to control them.

 I feel blessed to be able to carry a child at this time of year.  I think about what must have gone through Mary's head so many years ago to know that she was carrying our Lord. I have often pondered to what extent she fully understood at that time what she had been chosen for.  How overwhelming.  I get overwhelmed at just trying to accomplish  teaching, Christmas shopping and decorating, and keeping a somewhat clean house.  (The latter of which is apparently not happening until Christmas break!)

I am overwhelmed in a different way at times to realize God's gift to us of this child.  He has protected in a mighty way over the last 12 1/2 weeks!  Thankful doesn't begin to describe our hearts.  It was amazing to see tiny fingers and the profile of the baby's face today on the screen. What a truly amazing miracle life is.

And though our little gift is nothing short of wonderful, I cannot help but be reminded of the greater Gift given to us in the Lord Jesus.  Honestly, daily life would be so hard without Him I would be a distraught, depressed person. He is our Hope!

Thanks again to those of you who hold us up in your prayers!  You might specifically pray that any leftover scar tissue from before would not hinder the baby or its growth. And yes, I said "its," because we do NOT know whether it is a girl or boy yet. :)  Not until the end of January or beginning of February anyway!

 

 

Beyond expectations

This card has hung on my dresser mirror for years.  A very special lady, who has prayed for us daily, sent this card of encouragement to me.  We have been so very thankful for the many who are praying for us and Baby.  This child continues to be a miracle, and our God continues to amaze us with His mighty hand.

We have been praying daily ourselves for some specific things relating to the baby's growth and development, as well as for my body to adjust and remaining damage from the previous surgeries to be divinely healed.

We learned a lesson today.  We were hoping today for God to do good things.  But our God does great, wonderful, beyond-our-imagination things!  The report we got on the baby was "Perfect."  Things right now (the baby, as well as my ability to carry) are in every way normal, and that makes my head spin.  For so long, nothing about our situation has been "normal." And to get a report that things look perfect, kind of blows my mind.  Our baby may be excitingly "normal," but we truly know he/she is a miracle!

You are I AM....



This is Brandon. MarySusan said I could write the post tonight. I figured I'd better take the opportunity while I could, considering how often she's been changing her mind about things here lately.....:)

"You Are I AM" by MercyMe. That's the song that was playing on the radio as I got in my car and drove to today's ultrasound. I've heard the song many times, but today I really listened to the lyrics and what it was talking about...

I've been the one to shake with fear
And wonder if You're even here
I've been the one to doubt Your love
I've told myself You're not enough

 

That sounded familiar. I've definitely been there. These last few years have taken their toll. I was the one that trumpeted the fact that God did work a miracle with the first pregnancy in saving MarySusan and keeping her body intact so that we would be able to have kids in the future. I KNEW God was going to let us have our own kids. It was so obvious to me. So we were a little scared, but we knew it was going to be ok...
 

I've been the one to try and say
I'll overcome by my own strength
I've been the one to fall apart
And start to question who You are

 

But the years went by.....and the disappointment seemed to become an endless cycle. We would see the doctor, our hopes would be sky-high for two weeks, we'd take a test and have our dreams shattered (again), then we'd just have to wait a few weeks to go see the doctor again....and start over. I started questioning who WAS God?? Was He really concerned with what we were going through?? Had He forgotten what he was supposed to do?? Sure I looked ok on the outside.....but I had these doubts all the time...

 



I've been the one held down in chains
Beneath the weight of all my shame
I've been the one to believe
That where I am You cannot reach

 

By this point, I'm thinking it has to be something I'm doing wrong. I'm not having enough faith...I'm not praying the right way....I'm not asking for the right things....I'm just too far gone. I knew my heart, and while I was the one each and every month that told MarySusan it was going to be ok and we'd get it next month. I didn't believe it myself. I was discouraged and believed that I was just misunderstanding God three years ago when I "KNEW" He was going to give us children. I was too far gone and He wasn't going to bless us now. It was too late....

 

You're the one who conquers giants
You're the one who calls out kings
You shut the mouths of lions
You tell the dead to breathe
You're the one who walks through fire
You take the orphan's hand
You are the one Messiah
You are I AM

 

Today I listened to this song and I knew: God IS. That's it. That's what the name "I AM" means. God just IS. Period. End of story. No matter what happens, what we're going through, or what may be coming down the road. God IS. I know it's easier for me to write this now that we're expecting, but that doesn't change God. He still IS. And if we lost this baby tomorrow, as hard as that would be, and as many times as I might fail, God. IS. and that's just awesome.

 

So today we are praising God for a GREAT report from the doctor, and we got the first "real" picture of our baby....you can just make him out below. Yeah, I said "him." I'm calling it. ;)