It takes a village....

 

You've heard the saying "It takes a village to raise a child." Well, in our situation, we could adapt that and say it takes a village to CREATE a child. But it doesn't. It only takes our GOD. Psalm 139:13 says, "For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb." So while we may have had a small village of people who worked very hard to do a lot of things to give us this dream....we know that our baby (or babies) wasn't made by any doctors in a lab, medicines we took, or special procedures that were done. Our baby was "fearfully and wonderfully" knitted together in the womb by the hand of God. Please don't misunderstand me.....we are so so so so so thankful for all the doctors and nurses that have used modern medical science to get us to this point. It has been a small "village" of people that have helped us along this journey. But MarySusan and I know that while human doctors can do everything in the world to make life possible......they still can't create it. It's God who knits the baby in the womb and breathes into it the breath of life, and so we have to praise Him for what he has done.

My point is this:

WE'RE EXPECTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know......maybe I should have led with that??? :) We don't have an exact date yet, but sometime in October (maybe September if it's multiples) Autumn will be "Delivering Hope". :)

Extreme Babysitting

Well....it's done!! Today was Phase 2 and we were in Charlottesville bright and early this morning with Autumn and Donovan. Once again, God was ahead of us and already working......everything looked even better than we hoped and the transfer went without a hitch! We will keep you posted on the results!!

 

We have been so blessed by this couple. Their willingness and desire to "babysit" our child for the first nine months, leaves us stunned. Such a gracious and selfless act, wanting nothing in return other than to change our lives.....we are so thankful for the way God has brought them into our lives and are so excited to be on this journey together!

 

 

Here we go......

Well, it's time. After months of praying, planning, and paying (see what I did there??), it's here. The moment that 1 year ago was the absolute farthest thing from our minds. Something we never would have thought we'd even be considering, much less doing. But God has a different plan sometimes. And sometimes it's different, unconventional, "out-of-the-box", even crazy......but that's how He likes to do things sometimes. He's so much BIGGER than we think. Not just in size, strength, and wisdom.....but BIGGER in thought, and plan, and dream. He's got an enormously HUGER (I know that's not a word, but I was overusing "bigger") plan than we can even begin to see. Hindsight is always 20/20, and we may not even be able to see everything until we get to Heaven, but I know that when we get there, and we look down on our lives from His viewpoint, I think we're going to have an "ah-ha" moment. We're going to say "oh.....wow.....I see what you were doing there…..." Because He's wiser, remember??

Sorry.....I got sidetracked. (Obviously MarySusan isn't writing this….:) Anyway, I was announcing something........oh yeah. It's time!!! Starting today, we will be going through the medical procedures we’ve been working towards and we would appreciate your prayers over the next few days! After next week, it's just like any other pregnancy....NORMAL…..and we should know soon if we're having a baby!!! Or two........or three.......or four.............we’ll see. :)

So please be praying with us that all goes smoothly for MarySusan and Autumn. We are very excited to see what God is going to do through all this, and check back for updates over the coming weeks!! :)

Moving Forward: Our response to a gift

Note: If you are new to our Journey, or have just recently started following our story, I would encourage you to go back and read this blog from the beginning to fully understand the journey God has brought us on.


"Because he has loved Me, therefore I will deliver him; I will set him securely on high, because he has known MY name."  Psalm 91:14

GRACE. That is how I sum up the last few months. By His grace, God has allowed us to continue to heal from our separation from Dani Grace. And He has allowed me to feel His love deep in my heart. I have graciously become aware of how my Lord has drawn me closer to Him, when I could have so easily strayed by own choice. It is a little overwhelming sometimes to look back and remember the dark days immediately following our loss...and to look at how God has protected my heart and become my true HOPE in the midst of pain. I am naturally a pretty private person. But when it comes to our journey, I must admit that my desire to share what God has done ultimately wins out. 

"Nevertheless He saved them for the sake of His name, that He might make HIS power known."  Psalm 106:8

During our recent Missions Conference at church, I was struck by the view from my seat.  BY FAITH...For Generations Yet to Come. How fitting for our current situation.  When I was told in February that I would no longer have the ability to carry children, I would have never thought that the Lord was already working out our next step in our journey of faith.  But as my mom has said so often...the Lord goes before us.

A friend from college came to visit me in the spring and said she had an opportunity to share with me. One of her friends from her church had heard our story and had been praying for us.  AND she wanted to offer to carry our child for us since I no longer could. I sat there in complete and utter disbelief. All I could think was -- why would someone give that much of themselves to a total stranger?
Interestingly enough, the doctors had suggested that to us previously. But that was too "out of the box" for me, and I had told Brandon then that I would not even consider it unless...and I went on and on listing things that could never happen -- at least in my mind. Well, Autumn checked off EVERY box.

In her own words:

     Have you ever had a desire in your heart to fulfill a need for someone? Have you ever known here was a bigger purpose for your life but you weren’t sure how it would fall in to place? I have. I have known for years now that there was a desire in my heart to change someone’s life, to be a key partner in a life altering sequence of events. I have told my husband, my family, my dear friends and relatives for years that I really felt drawn to be a surrogate. After several years of wondering who it would be, how I would know, and being blessed with my own two children, it all fell in to place. I had spoken to a dear friend about being a surrogate for her, but she wasn’t ready, and it just didn’t quite fit. Little did I know that in the next few weeks a prayer request from our women’s group would open the doors for me. MarySusan and Brandon were placed on our prayer list as they dealt with the unfortunate circumstances surrounding their sweet baby girl, Dani Grace. My heart was burdened for this couple and I just felt this overwhelming pull towards their story and understanding their situation. I contacted a mutual friend of ours, and pretty soon I felt in my heart that this couple was my “match”. I waited a while for MarySusan to reach out to me. My offer was known, but her heart was unsure. After a few short emails I let my family know that I was going to offer to be her surrogate. They all thought I was just making conversation and sharing empty promises. I think MarySusan thought that too. My husband didn’t take me seriously either. A few weeks later we planned to meet at a local pizzeria and on the way Donovan reminded me he just wasn’t so sure that this was my best idea. I assured him that I wasn’t in it if he wasn’t in it, but I also knew that God would change his heart if this was his will. Needless to say, just a few minutes after meeting them and hearing about their story and how we seemed to fit so well in to it Donovan stated, “God wants us to help you have your baby”... and there you have it! We are so excited and blessed to be part of this journey. God has made it evident that this was His plan.
    
     How do I know that this is God’s plan? He’s made it clear with every step we take. You need examples you say? Here are just a few, the best day for us all to meet with the counselor was October 24. The counselor answered the phone telling me how hard it would be to match our schedules and reminded me that it may take months. The first date she offered me was October 24, exactly what we needed. That isn’t enough? The results were to take two weeks, and we received our official results in less than one week. These results opened the door to schedule our medical exam. The medical exam usually takes months to orchestrate. I called on a Thursday, they saw me that next Wednesday. We completed our medical exam and counseling in less time than usually just the counseling takes. And there have been other confirmations as well. God’s timing is always perfect, and He has made it evident through every step that his hand is in this. Jeremiah 29:11 states,” For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” And we cannot wait to be a part of MarySusan and Brandon’s future.
 
-- Autumn and Donovan Anderson

So, after praying for months and literally taking ONE STEP at a time, we are sure of the Lord's leading.  He has confirmed it all along the way.  It has been beyond our wildest dreams, but so amazing the relationship that has unfolded between the Andersons and us.  This will be our genetic child, yet brought into the world with the help of an amazing woman.  What an extroardinarily, beautiful gift.
We are letting you know of this with the purpose of asking for your prayers.  Please pray specifically for the health and protection of Autumn, and the development of our future child.  Please also pray that God would provide the financial resources.  This is a complicated process with many moving parts. But as I was reminded in church during our conference: "When God creates a need, He always provides the resources to meet that need."  We move forward...

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                                 "In quietness and trust is your strength."  Isaiah 30:15

Remembering and looking for blessings

One year ago today, I sat down, weak-kneed at the sight of "plus sign."  After 3 years of waiting and healing after our first baby, God had granted us a "yes." I hurried out to get a card for Brandon...a "Daddy" card. An instant feeling of fulfillment and deep joy took over my heart for the next 5 1/2 months. It felt like coming to the end of a very long, hard journey.

But the journey is never really over until we get to heaven, is it? Next week will make 8 months of travelling down another path. A fork in the road of learning to live without our Dani Grace here.  God is granting healing and beginning to answer my prayer to restore my joy.  I still have hard days when the tears won't stop flowing.  (Just sit beside me in church and you'll see the evidence of that!) And I miss my girl every day. My thoughts are constantly with her.  But she has caused me to think more about how wonderful heaven must be. Beyond anything that words could adequately describe. 

I've been blessed to get to know other special people who are learning to walk this same path. Somehow hearts are instantly bonded by knowing others understand the deep level of grief you have had.  God's complete grace has protected me from allowing this part of our journey to drive me away from Him. And it very well could have. So today brings bittersweet memories. And requires a little more of a fight for that joy I long for. But thankfully, one day, all these tears will be wiped away. And I will see the face of my children and our Savior. Revelation 21:4.

Tears and Celebration

The tears start almost the second I open my eyes.  Why am I surprised by this?  After all, shouldn't I be crying since today is the day that represents what should have been? A day filled with joy at the arrival of our little girl.  But instead life tends to be a bit of a fight now. I mean a real battle of my emotions, which this week I felt like I had been conquering for the most part.  I get tired of crying, and knowing that this day was approaching, I had been fighting for some sense of joy and normalcy all week.

However, this morning I didn't want to even get out of bed.  But I got up anyway. Because I knew I had to.  Whether she can really see me or not, I want my little girl to be proud of her Mommy. So I get up. For her.  I choose to keep going,  not because I really have a strong desire to seize the days or face the world, but I have to choose to take steps forward.  And today that meant starting by getting up. More than grief, I want to celebrate and honor Dani's little life. And I want others to as well.

I look at my Bible app and Psalm 23 appears from where I had been reading last night.  "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me..."  Even though I may not be the one facing death, I am certainly affected by it now.  And God's Word reminds me that He is with me.  Then my sweet husband texts me reminding me that he loves me and we are in this together.  What would I do without him?  Next, the doorbell rings. Beautiful flowers are waiting.  From a sweet friend who remembers Dani's life often and isn't afraid to talk about her.  This isn't the first time in this journey that God has used others to encourage me to keep going.

So even though the tears flow continuously like rain (and I know that's okay), I try to think of what I can do for my baby. I have found that it helps me to find things to do FOR her.  I pull out her baby book and work on finishing it...something I haven't had the courage to do up to this point.  And later we will get fresh flowers and visit her grave.  (I am thankful in a strange way for this spot to go.  I know that's not where Danielle really is, but with my first baby I didn't have this.)

God has been gracious this week to give me glimpses of perspective. Reminders of how broken and sinful this awful world is. These last four months, I have understood, felt, and been more grateful than ever that Jesus conquered death. Though I selfishly want Danielle with me every day, if it came right down to it, how could I wish her away from the perfect peace she is enjoying in heaven to come live down here? So instead, I will look forward to the day when I can go join her.

I sit here writing with Danielle's little dress and hospital blanket by me, but also surrounded by other things given to us by special people. Things that were given to show us that they remember and love our Dani too. The sweetest thing that lifts this Mommy's heart is when people talk about my daughter by name. So, yes, please continue to pray for us as walk this road. We still desperately need it.  But also thank God with us today for this wonderful blessing named Danielle Grace. God has used her little life so much already, and we pray He will continue to.

Dani Grace, you may have a different (and much better) address now, but you are remembered and loved so much!   Especially by Mommy and Daddy. Can't wait to see you again, our little Monkey. :)

Dear Mommy...

Hi Mommy,

We just wanted to wish you a very Happy Mother's Day! We wish we could have been there to celebrate with you today, but we are going to have to wait a little bit longer before we get to see you again. We heard that you had a pretty good day and are so glad you were able to be recognized as a "real" mother.....because you are, and always will be, OUR mother.

You have had the heart of a mother for as long as you can remember, always longing for the day when you could hold us. We would have been the luckiest kids on earth to have been able to grow up in your loving arms. We would have loved to be able to wake you up early on a Saturday morning running through the house chasing each other. I would have totally blamed it on my older sibling....because it definitely would have been their fault. We wish we could learn to make pancakes and eggs from you...even if it might not have been pretty. :) We would have loved for you to come to our soccer games and cheerleading competitions....you would have been so proud of us. We miss that we will not be able to talk to you and ask advice through our teenage years.....and then run into your loving arms after we do the opposite of what you tell us to. We wish we could have shared the experience of our first loves....and first broken hearts with you. We know you would have let us cry on your shoulder and reassured us that our world was not ending. We will miss getting to see the look on your face as we bring home the "special someones" to meet you and daddy.....and then watching as you tell dad to put away his gun. :) We wish we would be able to share that special day as we commit our lives to someone forever. We know you would have been so happy and proud of us......because we would have picked partners just like you and daddy.

There are a lifetime of memories that we will miss out on, but that's ok....it's only a lifetime. When you get up here, we will have FOREVER  to make memories.....but right now, God has something else for you to do. He has some other plan for you. Somewhere, someday, there are some kids out there that He needs you to be a mom to. And that's ok....we're willing to share....because we know that those kids are going to be the luckiest kids ever to walk the face of the earth.

You are one AMAZING person and we are so lucky to be able to call you....MOM.

We love you and are counting the days until we see you again....

Love,

Dani Grace and Baby # 1